I realized the other day after watching "Knight and Day" and "Salt" that I have developed paralleling skills to a super spy, only the parental version. We've had kids for 5 1/2 years, so that has basically been my "training" and now I am a precision instrument of parenting skill. I will illustrate.
Super spy: Disassemble a bomb while blindfolded.
Super Dad: Change a dirty diaper in the pitch black of night to not wake the kid up more than necessary. It is basically second nature now. More difficult with a code brown but not a problem.
Super Spy: Fluent in multiple languages.
Super Dad: My kids have many different dialects requiring translation for outsiders.
Super Spy: Assemble your weapon with limited time.
Super Dad: You should see me put up the pack and play. Blink and you'll miss it.
Super Spy: Be able to withstand excruciating torture methods without revealing your mission.
Super Dad: Have you heard the decibel level my kids can attain? If that's not torture I don't know what is. I can ignore and focus on the game with the best of them.
Super Spy: Disarm and incapacitate multiple assailants.
Super Dad: When the kids are fighting over a toy I can have them stripped of their toys and in time out before they even knew I was nearby.
Super spy: Only provide your services for your own country. Going rouge is a betrayal to those who trained you and those whom you serve.
Super Dad: Your kid needs a diaper change? Don't even look in my direction.
Super Spy: Sometimes people will die to accomplish the mission and protect the country. But the job must be done.
Super Dad: Son, we live in a world that has diapers, and those diapers have to be changed by men with skills. Who's gonna do it? You? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not seeing what I see. That diaper change, while icky, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me at that bottom, you need me on that bottom.
Cue the Jason Borne Theme song.
And Happy New Year.
9 months ago
5 comments:
Rob that is hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing. You would have been a great writer! Fortunately you make an even better dentist.
Travis
I can't type because I'm laughing so hard......
awesome!
yeah, that was pretty great. good job rob.
That's the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Thanks for the laugh!
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